Three years has gone pretty bloody quick hey!
This time three years ago I was looking all like this..... Rather drugged up!
Now I'm looking all like this!
So it's been a while since I last posted, all the way back in March 2014, and that was the day that I had my braces removed in the morning and then that afternoon I was off to Germany for work. I had said that i would post and do an update after I got back, (reading that post again now I must say sorry to anyone who thought I didn't get back...I did!) I just didn't post again.
Now this leads me onto the topic/subject of why I'm about to resurrect this blog.
I didn't post because life got in the way, I was super busy and just had loads of fun things going on and I just didn't have the time to write anything.......That is the massive lie i've been telling myself for the last 2 and a half years!!! The real reason ladies and gentlemen is that I'm not happy.
This is a fairly new revaluation to me, well actually it's not, i've known for ages, years, but I've only really let myself admit this and own it i'd say for the last 6 months or so. During these last 6 months i've spent a lot of time trying to figure out why, whats wrong, why am I feeling like this etc and I'm starting to make some progress, its all quite sketchy at the moment so please bear with me as I try and explain this "I'm not happy" a bit more below.
Things I am Happy About
- I am happy with the results of my operation
- I am happy with my teeth
- I am happy with how my face looks
- I am happy that I can eat well
- I am happy that I can speak properly
- I am happy that I don't have constant headaches and jaw ache
- I am happy that I don't get called names or shouted at in the street
Things I am not Happy About
- Accepting my new face
- Calling my new face my new face
- Letting go of my old face
- Calling my old face my old face
- Holding on to my old face and the old me
- Understanding the "new me"
- Struggling to understand and accept my actions, relationships and thought processes through life pre op
- Second guessing new friendships/relationships
- Having had the assumption/expectation that after my operation and after I have my braces off that everything will be fixed and I will be happy
There's more, loads more that I'm "not happy with" but these are the ones that I thought best to get out first. It's really confusing and I'm not sure it makes sense as a whole yet, in fact I know that, but I will get there. Basically I feel like i'm going through a form of identity crisis (this is my working term, I'm not sure if it accurately describes what I'm going through but it's the best I have right now!), I don't know who I am. Everything that I thought physically would be fixed from having this operation has been, and it's amazing and I would have this operation and process again in a heartbeat, I truly would and its the best decision i made.
However the things that I thought would be resolved psychologically and emotionally by having this operation were not resolved, they were not fixed. If anything I think I have allowed them to become worse and now I'm in a right old jumble with all these questions and thoughts and feelings. And in hindsight how could I think that they would be fixed by this operation?
I figured what i'm going through right now and what I'm trying to understand and come to peace with, there must be others in the same position as me. Other post surgery people who may be currently having these feelings or have had them, and for all the people who are doing some research before starting this process, or those who are in it battling with braces or just recovering from surgery, I want to share this all with you.
In part as a way for me to help process this and work through it and to also maybe help someone else not feel so alone. I also think this is a huge area that just isn't discussed before surgery, before braces, while you start thinking about this process or exploring with your orthodontist etc it's just ignored. It shouldn't be, it's something that should be considered and appreciated and that you should be aware of. For some people it may not be an issue, for some it will and for me, I didn't really appreciate how much this all would affect me later on...where I am now.
So three years on from my surgery, I will be using this blog from now on to explore the psychological, emotional and mental health/well-being aspects of going through double jaw surgery that I'm dealing with. It's going to certainly be an interesting journey for me and I think it will be confusing and might not make sense all the time, and maybe i wont find answers straight away but I'm going to keep exploring and sharing. As always, if anyone else wants to share go ahead, sharing is caring and sometimes just getting it out, saying out loud can help.
I want to reiterate again that I DO NOT regret having double jaw surgery to fix my underbite. It was the best decision i made and I wholeheartedly recommend and support others having the operation. I just should of had some form of counselling during the process and after to help me get through it.
Much Love
Natasha
