19 Days to Go!!!!!

Yep, 19 days to go and the only preparation I have done is cry and cry a bit more.

I feel like I'm going crazy, the waiting is most definitely the worse part about all this, give me tooth and jaw ache any day over this horrible anxious, nervous, scared, excited, sick feeling I have. I think they should just tell you the day before and that's it, maybe send out a secret letter to your family, friends and employer but not to you until the night before then you don't have to sit and worry and be scared for weeks on end.

So I had all my measurements and moulds taken last week, also had some junior doctors in on the appointment which was fun. I had a chat with my Ortho and my Surgeon and we are still planning the double jaw surgery, top forward and bottom back, with genioplasty thrown in too, the chin will be reduced and moved back. I'm not sure of the exact measurements but I just asked him to take enough off so I can eat and speak properly and so that I don't get picked on any more.

I am my surgeons only morning patient, so I hope he is a morning person, because I'm not! I think I will be in hospital for about 2-3 nights after surgery then allowed home. I will have my mum and dad looking after me for the first week during the day, and my man at night. I am a very independent person and will probably find it difficult to let go and allow someone to help me and do things for me, or maybe I will be that zonked out and feel so rubbish that I will be glad of the help! Ma and Pa will be around for another week after that but have said that they will leave it up to me as to how much help I want/need.

I will be having morphine on a push button, self administer thing while in hospital to help me through, I will also be pumped full of antibiotics to help stop infection. Now my body doesn't particularly like antibiotics, a certain part in particular always gets rather funny when antibiotics are introduced, (ladies you know what I mean!) so I mentioned this to my Surgeon and he has said he will also put some particular type of medicine in me to stop that little problem from happening! That is the last thing I want whilst I'm recovering.

In terms of bought things to prepare for recovery, I have next to nothing. I have got some lip balm, some gel ice pack things, new PJ bottoms and some squirty sauce bottles, one for water one for juice. and that's it. To be honest I'm not really sure what else to get, maybe a net flicks subscription?

As far as food goes, I'll buy some meal replacement shakes this weekend and then I'll leave it up to Ma and Pa to be creative with the liquids for the first week, I was told to only eat clear liquids for the first week. Then from there just whatever I can put in, maybe some more soups, juice, sweet potatoe mash, eggs, jelly, ice cream. I'll just see what I can get down. I'm not too concerned about food. I wont starve anyway.

So next appointment is for my pre op stuff, then my wafer try in on the 14th, only 2 days before my operation!

Some updated pics of my face, I am very sad to see it go, I have eventually grown to love my face, many don't but I did in the end. I know it's for the best, I will be a lot happier and in less pain.

Back teeth touching

Relaxed jaw

Smiling

Smiling front

Angled view

Close up of the teeth!

New Surgery Date

I got a letter through he post on Saturday with my pre op date and time stuff and then a letter with it saying when my surgery is, and they have moved me forward a week to 16th of October. I know its only a week, but I did what any good wimp did and cried. I just went into panic, and thought it was too soon, and was scared, upset, excited, worried, scared and scared again.

But after a cuddle and the most loveliest words from my man (btw got a new man :-) hehehehe!) and these are the words that he has repeated to me from the first day I told him about my surgery and although it's hard, I think I'm starting to believe him.

"You are beautiful now, and you will be beautiful then" 

Then I phoned my mum and dad and spoke to my dad for a bit, and he also had some very wise words for me;

"You have 4 weeks to go till your operation, then you have 4 weeks of feeling a bit rubbish, then you have four weeks of feeling better, then you have the rest of your life Natasha." 

So well done to the men in my life for sorting my scared little head out and helping me. I am still scared, I've been walking round work feeling sick all day, my stomach has been in knots with nerves, who knows what I will be like on surgery day! I'll probably have to be carried in because I would of passed out from terror outside the hospital grounds. No, I'm sure my brain will work its magic and I will be fine and all calm, composed and ready for it come the 16th. 

It's really difficult to describe to people how you feel about your upcoming double jaw surgery, because on one hand I cant wait, I'm excited, I want to be able to eat and talk normally and not have jaw ache! I cannot wait to not have such bad jaw ache all the time, and to have the possibility that I might not get picked on or shouted at in the street for the way I look any more. I wont have to feel (as often) all of the insecurities and self loathing, anger and carry round that reserve of energy and positive thoughts to stop yourself from falling on the floor in a heap of tears and crying out "I'm a monster!" when someone does make a comment. i wont have to pick myself up (metaphorically) and say no, I'm fine, I'm lovely and carry on with my day/night out/food shop/walk to my car.... I could go on.

Then on the other hand I'm absolutely petrified of the surgery itself, having an IV placed, staying in hospital over night. I'm worried about my recovery, will I be sick, how long till I can go back to normal, will I be OK with the time off work, what will I eat, what if I get an infection?

And finally, I'm scared about how I will look, how I will feel about my new face, I'm sad to be loosing my current face, I almost feel defeated, but then I'm glad its going because of all of the above!

It's horrible, I finally understand the expression "a roller coaster of emotions"! 

I think that the positives will shine through more and more as I get closer to my date. I know I've made the right decision and I'm happy with it, but a girl can be scared cant she!? Especially a if she's a wimp! :-) 

Now to start making some lists......only 4 weeks to get myself sorted!