But after a cuddle and the most loveliest words from my man (btw got a new man :-) hehehehe!) and these are the words that he has repeated to me from the first day I told him about my surgery and although it's hard, I think I'm starting to believe him.
"You are beautiful now, and you will be beautiful then"
Then I phoned my mum and dad and spoke to my dad for a bit, and he also had some very wise words for me;
"You have 4 weeks to go till your operation, then you have 4 weeks of feeling a bit rubbish, then you have four weeks of feeling better, then you have the rest of your life Natasha."
So well done to the men in my life for sorting my scared little head out and helping me. I am still scared, I've been walking round work feeling sick all day, my stomach has been in knots with nerves, who knows what I will be like on surgery day! I'll probably have to be carried in because I would of passed out from terror outside the hospital grounds. No, I'm sure my brain will work its magic and I will be fine and all calm, composed and ready for it come the 16th.
It's really difficult to describe to people how you feel about your upcoming double jaw surgery, because on one hand I cant wait, I'm excited, I want to be able to eat and talk normally and not have jaw ache! I cannot wait to not have such bad jaw ache all the time, and to have the possibility that I might not get picked on or shouted at in the street for the way I look any more. I wont have to feel (as often) all of the insecurities and self loathing, anger and carry round that reserve of energy and positive thoughts to stop yourself from falling on the floor in a heap of tears and crying out "I'm a monster!" when someone does make a comment. i wont have to pick myself up (metaphorically) and say no, I'm fine, I'm lovely and carry on with my day/night out/food shop/walk to my car.... I could go on.
Then on the other hand I'm absolutely petrified of the surgery itself, having an IV placed, staying in hospital over night. I'm worried about my recovery, will I be sick, how long till I can go back to normal, will I be OK with the time off work, what will I eat, what if I get an infection?
And finally, I'm scared about how I will look, how I will feel about my new face, I'm sad to be loosing my current face, I almost feel defeated, but then I'm glad its going because of all of the above!
It's horrible, I finally understand the expression "a roller coaster of emotions"!
I think that the positives will shine through more and more as I get closer to my date. I know I've made the right decision and I'm happy with it, but a girl can be scared cant she!? Especially a if she's a wimp! :-)
Now to start making some lists......only 4 weeks to get myself sorted!