Well, well, well, 1 year in braces!
This time 1 year ago I was so nervous and a bit excited about going to the orthodontist to get my braces on. It was a big step, one that I knew I couldn't go back from only forward. And here I am a year later, with a massive underbite, horrible persistent jaw ache, a profile/face that I strongly dislike at times but with proposed surgery date of October 22nd to fix it all!
I'm being a bit mean to myself at the minute, got a bit of a sad face on about my stupid face. I've just had a few nasty comments recently and seen some un-flattering pictures of my profile and I just cant seem to shake the negative thoughts at the minute. It started a few weeks back when I was leaving the bank after just being accepted for a mortgage all by myself (yaaaaay! I'm buying a house) so I was rather happy and pleased to say the least and I took probably no more than 4 steps out the bank and 2 grown men walking by, stopped, pointed at me and shouted "Fucking hell love look at the size of your chin" Lovely.
What did I do, just kept on walking as they carried on laughing. I was so upset and I remember thinking to myself "Great, here's another moment in my life that my face has ruined" by the time I got back to my car I just wanted to cry and go home and get in bed and refuse to come out ever again. During that short walk back to my car I had convinced myself that I was some horrible freakish disgusting mess that deserved to be shouted at in the street due to my offensive face. I had a little cry, then remembered that my face didn't ruin that moment for me 2 low life idiots did, and off I went back to work.
Although I no longer think I'm a horrible freakish disgusting mess, I am struggling to shift the sadness and some of the negative thoughts this time round. I think I just want to be able to walk down the street without fear of someone shouting something at me, I don't want any more moments spoilt by some idiot because I have a different face.
I feel sad that I have to listen to that and I'm tired of picking myself up and trying to convince myself that I'm ok, I'm not horrible to look at, I feel embarrassed for people around me when it happens and even when it doesn't I feel embarrassed for them sometimes just being with me, I'm fed up of deleting pictures of myself, I've had enough of pretending that they are not shouting something about me and I feel angry that in order to stop this from happening I have to have surgery. If my face stayed the same it would still happen no matter where I was, the only way I wont have comments and abuse thrown at me is to change my face. I want to grab those idiots by their hair and scream right in their face "I am having my face cut up and broken and put back together so nasty pathetic people like you don't make me feel like shit any more" Not sure what reaction I would get from that, probably nothing and it probably wouldn't make me feel any better. so I will just carry on with my let it go approach and wait patiently for the day I don't have to worry and always carry around a reserve of positive energy just in case someone makes a horrible comment.
I would of liked this 1 year in braces post to be a bit more positive, but this is the reality of having an underbite and going through Orthognathic surgery, some days are worse than others and this seems to be a bad few weeks for me and my self esteem. I am off for 10 days in the Turkish sun with my brother, so hopefully that will make me feel better and I'm sure I will return and look at this post and think why were you so sad then you silly billy!